Introduction!!

March 22, 2012

Hold on tight, it’s going to be a bumpy ride! I won’t walk on eggshells or pull any punches here. This is my blog, these are my thoughts and feelings, and I have a right to them!  I hope this endeavor will give others in similar situations a place to vent or just reflect. As I have spoken to other women my age, I find that my situation is not that uncommom. Sad but true! What’s happened to the family unit and respect for aging parents? We baby BOOMers are a large part of the population, and we deserve  compassion, we deserve to be heard, and most of all respected!  I refuse to shrink back any longer, I for one am determined to go out with a “BOOM”, how about you? Anything you’d like to say, fire away!

Sharon

Life as I see it…

March 22, 2012

Being single again after 29 years of marriage was difficult enough, but starting over at 50 has been a very difficult challenge.  A challenge that I’m sorry to say I seem to have lost.  No matter what I’ve tried or which way I’ve turned, things continually went south.  (I love the south, but not in this scenario!)  Now at 64, I let each day happen and deal with whatever comes my way.  Am I grateful to still be here? Yes and no!  I feel I am basically alone, and that’s very lonely and very sad.  I ask myself all the time, “What is my purpose here? I am just existing every day.” But the thought of not being here anymore scares the hell out of me. I want to see my children happy, and my beautiful grandchildren grow into happy adults. And hopefully find out what lesson I was to learn from all I have been through.

My marriage wasn’t a complete failure, something good came out of it; I raised two beautiful children! But my children have  proven to be a huge challenge as well. I thought I showed them enough love, and gave them what they needed to love me unconditionally. Am I fooling myself to think that’s what children are supposed to do; love their mom unconditionally? After all, without me, they wouldn’t be here! But I think mom’s are the ones who love unconditionally, I’m sure that’s why we get hurt so badly.

I protected my children from the boogy man, but they left home way too early. Maybe I didn’t do enough to protect them from the ogre that lurked. I lost my children way too soon, and in the midst of all the chaos I missed them turning into adults. So many moments have been lost that can never be recovered, and so many memories that will never be made. The mother/child bond was lost, and I doubt it will ever be recovered. They are both set in their ways, and living their own lives, and I feel there is no room for me now. Maybe if I were younger and more vibrant, maybe if I was financially well off….maybe, maybe, maybe! I am neither of those, I am an aging parent, whose life has taken a turn I prayed would never happen.

Sharon

Belonging

March 23, 2012

No matter what you have or how much, never take it for granted! Your life can change in an instant, and leave you with nothing! I never dreamed that fter 29 years of marriage I would be divorced and trying to survive on my own. I “was” the biggest romatic you could ever meet, and I believed in forever!  I never had to worry about a place to live or being hungry, or not having basic necessities. I was basically a stay at home wife and mom, and I was pretty much content with taking care of my family. But one day my life as I knew it was gone, and pretty much everything I had. So there I was lost, not knowing what to do. I have always been a proud woman, but when you lose everything your pride goes out the window.

Moving back into my parents home was not an easy thing to do. It was embarrassing and humbling to say the least. My dad still saw me as his child, and because I was living in his home felt he could run my life. It got worse over time, and he started getting verbally abusive, something I never thought I would see from my dad. I felt he resented me, even though I did all I could do to help him, and do what I could for him. But as in my marriage it wasn’t good enough, and nothing I had to say, or felt was important. I had to get away before I fell back into the pit I pulled myself out of in my marriage. So once again with nowhere to go, I found myself in New York living with my daughter. I was scared, but happy to be near her after all the time we were so far apart. But soon I would realize that I had no where of belonging.

Sharon

Parents & Children

March 23, 2012

I lost my mom a year after I moved back home. Mom had been sick as far back as I can remember. It’s very difficult watching a happy, energetic, active woman waste away; especially if that woman is your mom. At 16 I took over all household duties, because that’s what families do! Before mom got sick, we had mom/daughter outings for lunch and shopping. But so many years of those times were missed with my mom due to her illness. The mother/daughter lunches and shopping trips ceased to exist. No more girl talks or laughing at each other’s silliness. There was so much I wanted to say to her, so much I wanted to share with her after I had my own family, but she was lost in her illness. When I was going through the difficult times I had no mom to go to, and to this day I yearn for those times; but they are lost and can never be recovered. To those of you who still have a mom, I can only say please cherish her! Don’t let time pass by without letting her know and feel that you love her. Time has a way of slipping by, and if you don’t grab onto those moments they could be lost forever with regret.

I lost dad three years ago, it was the hardest thing I went through. I had to make the decision to take him off of life support to end his life. Even though the doctor said he was not going to come back, I still have guilt to this day. In the process of losing my dad, I lost my son as well. Death seems to bring out the best and worse in families, and in this case it was the latter. I won’t get into the ugly details, but my son has chosen not to speak to me since then; it’s been over three years now. Talk about a broken heart! I have had my heart-broken by the best of them and survived, but this is a tough one! My heart will never mend from this.

Mom and dad are gone, sis is in another state in a nursing home, son is not speaking to me. That leaves my daughter, the only family I have left. Unfortunately she doesn’t possess the need for a mother figure in her life. I suppose that was lost as she made her way through life on her own at 18. She became very independent, with the thought of needing no-one. Trying to reconnect with her later on would prove to be an impossible and very hurtful task.

Sharon

Mother / Daughter

March 24, 2012

Over the years, I’ve sat beneath my daughter’s table of affections, like a starved dog lapping at tiny morsels of love. Like a dog begging for a bone, I begged for a fraction of her time to try to connect from years of being apart. From a bad marriage my learned behavior was to be non-confrontational, because nothing I had to say was ever important, nor intelligent. So with my daughter I did my usual behavior of shrinking away, not confronting & crying my eyes out. If I dared step over that line and let her know what was bothering me, it ended up ugly. It always got turned around somehow, and as in my marriage I was wrong, my opinions/thoughts and feelings didn’t matter, or were crazy. “Deja Vu?!” In the process of trying to win her love, approval, and a smidgen of her time, I’ve given her WAY too much power. I now realize it’s about acknowledging and accepting that she has little time or respect for me; and accepting my life as it is. But letting go of wanting/needing that love and attention from my daughter is proving to be the hardest challenge of all.

My Plan: To stop begging and respect MYSELF much more, be fair-minded in response, and hope that she changes the way she perceives me and our relationship.  This is totally new territory for me & allowing this relationship to take its course (whatever course that may be) is very lonely and scary. Being that she is all the family I have left, makes it even more so.

Rose Colored Glasses

April 28, 2012

As you see by the date of this post, I haven’t written in a while. I thought my daughter and I had come to an understanding, we actually had a decent conversation ( through email?). That should have been a red flag, but that’s her means of communication, e-mail or texting.  She made me believe that things would be different. Silly me, I must have been wearing my blinders or my rose-colored glasses again, because when I took them off nothing had changed. It’s gotten worse! So here I am once again, lost, alone, and as usual trying to figure out what happened!

I had out-patient surgery recently, and needed to have someone to get me to and from the hospital. (daughter couldn’t get off work) She hired someone for the job, which is fine, and appreciated. My daughter stopped by for a few minutes after work, and left. She stopped by a couple more times for a few minutes and brought me some dinner she had cooked. I understand that she works and takes care of my Granddaughter, but I’m her mother, and even in sickness she makes no time for me. My neighbor turned out to be a gem in all of this. She called me everyday, stopped by everyday, brought me food, fed my pets, and did anything she could to help. This woman has so many health issues, yet there she was taking care of me! I am so appreciative! I am appreciative of what my daughter did, but it felt like a “have to” instead of a want to.

Daughter called me a few days after my surgery to ask if I could pick up my granddaughter? I did (I’m such a doormat) It hurt that she would even ask me to do that so soon after my surgery, but I kept my mouth shut and let it pass. Then I received an email from her a couple of days ago. Nothing important, just about something silly, in which part of it said: “I would ask if you need anything but I’m broke” In which I replied: “A phone call or visit doesn’t cost anything” Well, let me tell you, her reply was like a dagger right through my heart! Her reply: “I knew I couldn’t do enough for you” ??? I sat in shock when I saw those words. What did I do to deserve that response?? My heart hurt so bad that I just wanted to die! I cried my eyes out, all the time wondering what I had done to deserve this.  I am still in dis-belief that this even happened. I emailed her to tell her that I didn’t deserve that comment, and that she hurt me, but as usual I am the one who is wrong, not her. She then listed what she had done for me, and something to the effect that I was not grateful!  I was and am grateful, and I told her so. All I did was answer a comment she made to me, and this is what I got!! I suppose if I had said a walk is free, or a breath of fresh air is free it would have been fine? But those don’t fit the scenario. She took it as something it wasn’t, a jab at her! That was three days ago and my daughter hasn’t spoken to me since.

How can children I carried inside my body for 9 months, and did everything for as they grew up treat me like I am expendable? This mother is dying inside!

expendable

1. that may be used up

2. not essential; not worth preserving

3. able to be sacrificed to achieve an objective

That’s how I feel my kids see me.

Sharon

.

A New Day?

April 29, 2012

Did anyone feel the earth move today? If so, it may have been because I went to church! But seriously, I haven’t stepped foot in church since I was a teenager. With the path my life has been on, I think it was way overdue. I am definitely at a loss where to turn anymore. So, as I learned as a child, I turned to God in hope. I am on a long road, because I have been skeptical for a long time, if I even believed. But with the hurt I am feeling, I needed somewhere to turn. Prayers were said for me, and I felt a sense of peace in a way. I saw that others care, and with time I may feel that God cares.

I want to believe, and I want to feel that real inner peace that people talk about when they trust in the Lord. I want to believe that when it’s my time I won’t be alone, but that God will be there to take my hand. Dying alone is my biggest fear, because to me that says no one cared enough to be there. It means that all the years I spent on this earth meant nothing. That I’m not or wasn’t important enough to have been loved and respected. I believe that’s all anyone wants is to be loved, but more importantly feel loved! The words are just words without the effort behind them.

Thanks to my neighbor Cheryl who came when I was hurting, and talked me through the tears. And thanks to her for asking me to come to church with her. I will continue to go with an open mind, and let the help of God and others get me through this.

Sharon

5 Days & Counting

April 30, 2012

It’s been 5 days since my daughter stopped talking to me. I have a permanent sick feeling in my stomach, and I’m constantly on the verge of tears. How do I make it stop, how do I turn off the hurt? I feel so distanced, we may as well live 1,000 miles apart. I should have stayed in Michigan! I may have ended up homeless, but at least I wouldn’t be dealing with this hurt.

I came here hoping to reconnect with my daughter, but have since learned that she is a stranger to me. And I think it’s time to accept that she doesn’t need a mother in her life. I think we were separated too long to try and have a relationship now. I have tried, but it takes two! Unfortunately in trying to be her mom, I believe she saw it as interfering and trying to tell her what to do. Farthest from the truth! My heart was always in the right place, as it always has been for my kids. I was just trying to win her love and acceptance. As when my kids were younger, I always tried to do what was best for them. They will always be my kids even if they reject me as their mom, and I will always love them!

Sharon

 

Lost!

April 2, 2012

I finally heard from my daughter….through e-mail! I believe this is much too important to solve through email. I am certain that’s why this happened in the first place. When you leave communication up to words typed in text, it’s more often than not misinterpreted, misunderstood, and misconstrued. There are no facial expressions, or voice tones to go along with the text, therefore it’s difficult for some people to know when or if a comment is harmless or serious. Unfortunately my daughter’s insecurities saw things the wrong way. Instead of asking me what I meant by it, she got angry and went with it. And we lost six days that can never be recovered. But I think even more days will pass before we will be somewhat normal again. Sad that even after I explained (or tried) she still believed I was wrong. Now she feels that I owe her an apology?

We need to get back to personal means of communication. We all rely too much on technology, and not enough on human contact. Computers and cell phone texting have taken over, and we are all losing site of what’s important! Seeing a face, hearing a voice, and feeling a hug from someone you love; that’s what’s important! Typed words are just that, words! Those words have no emotion or feeling, and they can cause so much hurt when misunderstood!

Sharon